I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
