her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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