In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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