i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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