I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
