so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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