They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
