Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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