god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
