What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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