Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
