He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
