if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
