I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
