Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
