Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
there is puke in my bra ... again
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize