i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
