I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize