Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize