I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
