I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
3 2 1 whiskey
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
