If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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