yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
