i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
