Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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