I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
