I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
