Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
