your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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