Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
