If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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