Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
