Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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