I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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