mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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