Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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