Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
