I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
