my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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