How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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