He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
