she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Still dying that you shit outside
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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