Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize