theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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