Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
