This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
