I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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