just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
