if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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