why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
