Just fell off a train. Bad.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
