i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
