I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
