I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize