His pubic hair was longer than his dick
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
