New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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