Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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