Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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